Finding Myself Again

It’s taken some time, self analysis, this board and a lot of searching to get to a place where I can see a light at the end of a long, long tunnel. Mind you, that light is still rather faint, however it is a light! I’m happy to just be able to see it, as before I was so tied up in my quit that I didn’t even realize there was a light to see.At the beginning of my quit I think I was so absorbed with triggers, not smoking and how much longer is this going to take? I think that’s the big one and although I know that that is not the way to look at it, my junkie mind seems to like to insist that I look at it that way. Oh yeah, that junkie mind. If I have to ask myself how much longer…….. I think I should put more focus on that junkie mind. Like hey, how much longer are you planning on trying to stick around? I DON’T WANT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I notice how methodical and organized I am when I’m thinking clearly. I know everything I should do or supposed to do when and if the crave strikes. Breathe deeply, etc, etc. etc….. Wonderful!!! Then my junkie mind decides to make a play and ALL reason disappears! How does that happen??? Then when I have managed to overcome it, all reasoning comes back. It’s like a little game. You, the junkie, make a move and I try not to make a bad one to counter you. Then hopefully we both take a little break until you, the junkie, decide you want to make another move. The only thing is, and the junkie knows it, I’m getting stronger, my moves are getting better. Instead of merely defending, I am starting to attack!!!! Not too much time left for my old junkie master, as pretty soon it will be you, the junkie, who will be my slave. That is the day I wait for. That is the day I fight for and that is the day I strive to see. No longer am I asking “how long”. It’s counter-productive. I accept that it will take some time to overcome the many many years of abuse I put myself through. How much longer? I don’t care.!!!We all say that we should think of ourselves as non-smokers. I’m just starting to be able to do that. I’ve been able to say it many times, but not very convincingly. It’s just starting to take shape and I love it. It comes into my mind without having to be prodded constantly and when it does the feeling is like an achievement.The other thing I’m working on is how I feel, what changes have taken place. This one scares me a bit. Although I feel a bit better, I don’t feel a lot of change, except maybe I no longer have a cigarette dangling out of my mouth. I can’t say I feel a lot of change if I don’t and I wish I felt more. So I’m keeping my eye on that one. I know there will be setbacks. As a matter of fact,Herbal cigarettes, there may be one by the end of the week, but a setback is just a test to help propel me closer to fulfill the accomplishment of being able to proudly declare, I AM A NON-SMOKER.All in all I can tell I’m doing better. I notice it when I post replies on the board. A few weeks ago when I was going through a rough patch the posts I replied to were mostly one liners at best, without a lot of heart in them. Of course you don’t notice that at the time. I notice a big change now in my attitude AND my posts,smoking cessation, as I’m finding more and more of the honesty in ME coming back into play. I am happy to notice that the honesty in my addicted life has entered my smoke free life. That is why I was surprised to all of a sudden notice that there’s a light. Well, it may be a long way off, but I’m moving towards it and that’s all that counts. I’m moving my smoke-free body and mind into the light step by step, little by little and day by day.